Going there creates a set of expectations that kids can’t entirely understand or meet.Īt the same time, parents should be careful not to play the crushes down. “Sometimes adults like to quasi-sexualize the kids and say things like: ‘Oh, you are so cute! You are going to get married.’ In my universe, all that kind of language is not OK,” Lang said, explaining that such talk is not where children are developmentally and makes the relationships bigger than they are. In an attempt to normalize them, however, parents should be careful not to make crushes into something they are not. Talking to kids about crushes helps normalize them, reducing the shame they might be feeling on the playground. “Establish the fact that friendship is part of romantic relationships,” Lang said. How do we treat the person who “likes, likes” us, who we don’t “like, like” back? How do we handle it when the person we “like, like” doesn’t like us back? Even in the case of top-secret, unrequited love, this line of questioning can help them connect the dots between being thoughtful, respectful and curious and being in a romantic relationship with someone. 'How to Raise Kids who Aren't A**holes' - or maybe even kind Mother hugging son on couch MoMo Productions/Digital Vision/Getty Images Also talk about what happens if both people don’t feel the same way. When talking about crushes with kids, ask them why they like whom they like, what kind of things they might like to do with their crushes and whether they might consider inviting them over. Parents are there to provide context and make sure kids know whatever they are feeling has likely been felt before, said Amy Lang, a parenting and sexuality educator and host of “Just Say This,” a podcast on healthy sexuality. Here is where parents come in, even if we never learn all the juicy details of who has a crush on whom. Kids might talk about crushes all day with their friends and still barely understand them. “There is a very strong emotional component there, and for some kids it is hard to know what to do with those strong emotions,” said Catherine Bagwell, professor of psychology at Oxford College of Emory University in Georgia. It begins with parents taking these feelings seriously. The feelings are real, and kids can use their parents’ help in understanding them and learning what to do with them. “These kids have emerging romantic ideas and emerging romantic feelings but are not actually ready to translate them into romantic behaviors or relationships,” said Julie Bowker, associate professor of psychology at the University at Buffalo in New York, adding that crushes generally aren’t sexual or about dating in elementary school.Įmerging, however, doesn’t mean lacking in power. In any form, crushes are common among prepubescent kids and satisfy important needs. Usually crushes are one-way, though sometimes they are reciprocated. The experience of having a crush can begin as early as preschool, and crushes can continue to occur throughout one’s life. Often, even if we know the object of our desire, the crush makes us idealize them, and it’s often the idealized version of that person we can’t get out of our head, rather than the living, breathing, flawed being. Sometimes crushes are for people we know, and other times they are for fictional characters. Through them, they learn to cope with some of the more challenging parts of desiring another.Ī crush is in its own category of relationships, separate from friendship or dating. These puppy love infatuations help children explore romantic feelings before they are ready for romantic relationships. Crushes are important, long-ignored milestones in the relational life of preadolescent children that parents and caregivers should be respectfully discussing and unpacking with them. The experts say no – good news to all curious grown-ups out there. Was I transgressing the sacred, private space of childhood crushes? I respected his secrets and didn’t push any harder.ĭespite the fact that he seemed happy and at ease throughout our conversation, I wondered if I was asking too many questions or failing to respect boundaries. He told me about a few crushes, including his own, and he also made it clear that there were some he couldn’t tell me about because he had been sworn to secrecy. After two years of having limited interaction with human beings, I had to turn to him – the only person in our house who regularly socializes, albeit with his fellow 8- and 9-year-olds – for a gossip fix. I recently asked my third grade son about crushes in his class.
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